My word for 2024: connection.
When your world is flipped upside down by a terminal disease or by loss, it suddenly feels like you’re lost in a foreign country and everyone speaks the local language except you. No one can give you advice or directions home.
Then, you hear one person - way down the street, using words that finally sound familiar to you. The feeling of being misunderstood is so overwhelming so you RUN to them as fast as you can.
"FINALLY" you think, "I'm not all alone in this place after all."
That's how I feel about people who've experienced tragic loss. I hear "young widow" and think "must connect, asap!"
We're all bound together by shared experience - part of a shitty club that no one signed up for.
So as a club member, a heck of a lot happened this year!
In May, during Brain Cancer Awareness Month, I released my first book and have sold hundreds of copies since! This has connected me to people all over the country.
Released May 7, 2025 - available now on Amazon
Then, after chasing down Bob Kelly in Ocean City during the grand opening of the Sandcastle Putt Club on 34th street in May, I landed an opportunity to share my story and our mission on Good Day Philadelphia and then again on NBC10!
May 31, 2024 - on the last day of brain cancer awareness month!
In September, I went on vacation with a few strangers I met on the internet. I flew to Florida by myself to participate in the first ever Exhale Widows retreat - a trip lead by girls I've followed on the gram' since Mike was sick.
While he was declining, I would scroll their profiles knowing that their reality of widowhood would soon be mine, too.
I saw them getting by - going out, mom-ing, and even smiling. They were still living life and that helped me to believe that I could continue living life, too.
During the retreat, we shared rides, meals, beds, bottles of wine, healing prayers, and our biggest fears. It was as if we'd known each other a lifetime and by the end of the weekend, these internet strangers became my sisters.
Sisters that truly understand me. That can validate the complex feelings of widowhood and remarriage, the feelings associated with loving two men at the same time, with relinquishing a bit of independence and with letting someone who isn't a biological parent help parent your biological children.
That sh~t's hard.
Exhale Widows 2024 in 30A
I've also connected with new families through Small Moments Foundation. We've shared acts of kindness in hopes to bring them all a bit of joy, but I've also developed friendships with the parents who've also lost a spouse. Grief needs a witness and that's something we're able to provide each other through these connections.
I also made a ton of connections at the PA Conference for Woman and had the honor of leading a few grief / cancer focused support groups this year.
In October, I GOT MARRIED!
Matthew and I had a very small ceremony and dinner with immediate family at Odette's in New Hope. It was formal yet informal. No stress. No pressure. No DJ and no ultra-extravagant centerpieces. My best friend and now cousin (in law?), was the officiant. We walked into dinner twice because the music cut and my dress was less than $100 and it was all absolutely perfect.
October 5, 2024
Matthew and I solidified our family of six. In addition to gaining a husband, I gained two bonus kids. My boys gained a step-dad. With marriage comes a new sense of wholeness and security. The kids see us as one. "Officially" and "legally" connected.
That's all that really matters.
Our life is complicated as heck, but it's also filled with the very warmest kind of chaos - the kind my heart has always so badly craved.
Dominic's family project. :)
We also spent a ton of time down the shore this year. We rode the log flume 100 times, gave a sad goodbye to Wonderland pier, played mini golf and ate lots of ice cream.
Matthew and I honeymooned in beautiful Jamaica. The boys crushed a baseball season and were so happy to have Matthew out there as a coach. They started playing basketball, took skateboarding lessons, and learned to ride a bike.
We went ice skating and rollerblading and zip lining and went on a surprise trip to Disney World.
Contemporary Resort, Walt Disney World
Dominic got his first (of probably many) rounds of stitches and they have both seemingly developed an interest in hunting one day, like their daddy. :)
Pop pop's buck!
This year, I got to be homeroom mom for Dominic's class and volunteer at Dante's school. Both boys have developed really good friendships and I've developed really good friendships with their friends' mamas. Our community is strong.
We've come a long way; but, I’m no grief expert - and I certainly hope I don’t ever come off as trying to be one. I think it’s important to say that behind every one of these accomplishments or milestones is still a grief-stricken heart. I still felt the pain of the void as I watched Dominic's Christmas sing along at school last week, and as I cheered Dante on at his very first basketball game.
It still hurt as we crafted up an "all about me" project this year and as I listened to the wonderful remarks about my big Kindergartener as Matthew and I sat through our first parent-teacher conference together.
At least once a month, I still have these excruciatingly painful dreams where I'm trying everything in my power to talk to Mike, but he isn't responding. I can see him - which is so so nice, but it's like he's avoiding me. Or as if he's just too far out of reach to hear me.
I guess what I'm saying is, my life is FILLED with joy, but there is no "finish line" to grief. The ache is so very present in everything we do but it has felt much easier to carry around lately.
I often battle between feeling guilty that I'm not feeling enough sorrow some days while also feeling guilty for feeling too much sorrow other days. Like, "how can you be so happy right now?" "Mike should be here." But also "how can you be so sad and defeated right now? "Look at all God still gave you."
I have so much of what I dreamt of - yet it's all at the expense of something that I never, ever wanted.
Polar Express 2024
This blog truly saved my life when I was absolutely drowning. It was the very best thing I could of done for myself and my family in those really dark days. While I do have aspirations for my little corner of the internet, I'm also trying to fully embrace my current life right now and put all of my extra energy and time into Small Moments Foundation and this new family of mine.
Plus, life is busy. I mean, my snack-packing, project-tracking, activity-planning "mom" duties alone have nearly doubled.
But whether it be here or on the gram' , I will continue to grieve out loud and authentically share each side of this journey for myself and for everyone else going through it.
I am truly grateful for every single person who gave my own grief a witness since I started sharing in 2021.
Maybe I'll blog again soon. Or maybe I'll be too busy watching "Is It Cake?", reading Goosebumps and selling keychains at my son's school. I really don't know. But until I do, follow along on Instagram to stay connected: @RebeccaDiTore @SmallMomentsFoundation :)
HAPPY holidays! Whether it's your first, fifth, or tenth without your person, it still hurts. When it feels like the world has moved on, know that I see you. I am you.
Wishing everyone a peaceful and uneventful 2025 - filled with JOY and CONNECTION.
xox
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